Not HER Doctor
by bloodstainedhope
Summary: River dies with the Doctor, but not HER Doctor. Everything's got to end sometime; otherwise nothing would ever get started. And it was hard to say goodbye, when he was clinging onto the memory of her so tightly. - River's thoughts in Silence in the Library/Forest of the Dead - River/Doctor - Oneshot


**A/N - Hello! So there I was_, _working on a Doctor/OC fic, when I was overcome with the sudden urge to write this. So I did, and now I'm actually posting it... Eek! So this is my first attempt at actually revealing my fanfiction to other members of the human race, so _please _read and review, give me as _much _criticism or praise as you like.**

~X~

**Disclaimer - I don't own Doctor Who, nor any of the Characters mentioned here.**

~X~

She sends the message to his physic paper and, as always, he's there. He came when she called as he always does.

She greets him with her usual smirk and a, "Hello, sweetie," expecting _something _in return, some flicker of recognition. She wasn't expecting full-blown flirting or anything, a brief smile would have been enough.

Instead all she got was a sharp look and a harsh, "Get out."

At first she assumed he was just caught up in the moment, in the danger and focusing on getting them out and solving the problem.

Then maybe she thought he was pretending, he must have had some reason, he always did, but she doesn't know this face, this isn't _her _Doctor, not the stupid idiot in the bow-tie so he's harder for her to understand.

But she realised soon enough, after pulling out _their_ diary, full of _her _memories, _his _future, asking about the Byzantium, where her mother had first met her, and Asgard, and having the Doctor completely blank her, face nothing but confusion, made her realise that _the day_ might have come.

"Doctor, _please_ tell me you know who I am," she almost whispers it, and her voice is so close to breaking. He _had _to know her, he _had _to. It was way too soon, she wasn't ready for a Doctor this young. She wasn't ready for it to end; she wanted to stay with him forever.

River had known this day was coming from the moment she had saved him in Berlin, she had told her father her fears about this day when they were hunting the Silence, "_The day's coming when I'll look into that man's eyes, my Doctor, and he won't have the faintest idea who I am. And I think it's going to kill me."_

And she was right, it was killing her. She wondered vaguely if this was how the Doctor had felt back in Berlin, but then, she thought, at least he wasn't programmed to kill her and his parents weren't there, watching.

She missed her parents. She missed Amy, Rory and the Doctor's stupid friendship and the grins and idiotic banter they always had for each other.

And she missed her Doctor, the awkward idiot in the bow-tie, who tapped her on the nose and grinned and flirted with her.

This Doctor was much more serious.

"Who are you?" he asked, frowning. River's hands slipped from his face and, for once, she was unable to find words suitable. Luckily a ringing interrupted her, which she was very grateful for because what was she supposed to say?

I'm Professor River Song.

I'm your best friend's daughter.

I'm your wife.

All were true.

And all hurt. Because the name Professor River Song meant nothing to him, he hadn't even _met_ Amy and Rory yet, and, well as for being his wife…

Technically they weren't married, something River hadn't failed to notice the Doctor had never attempted to rectify. They had married in alternate timeline, which then was destroyed and therefore never happened, and besides it wasn't a real ceremony as he didn't tell her his name, merely telling her to look in his eyes to show her the plan.

He'd told her his name in Berlin in fact, the first time they'd ever met… for her. She realised why now.

"One day, I'm going to be someone you trust completely, but I can't wait for you to find that out. And I'm sorry. I'm really, very sorry," and she'd leant up on tiptoe and whispered in his ear.

Because she had to know. She had to know to get him to trust her, here, in the Library. And he'd been dying and the last thing on his mind had been her, getting his past self to trust her.

"You know… it's funny. I keep wishing the Doctor was here," she told Anita later.

"The Doctor is here, isn't he? He's coming back right."

River just sighed."You know when you see a photograph of someone you know, but it's from years before you knew them? It's like they're not quite... finished, they're not done yet. Well... yes, the Doctor's here. He came when I called, just like he always does. But not _my_ Doctor. Now my Doctor... I've seen whole armies turn and run away," at the Pandorica, practically the entirety of his enemies had backed off because of his 'epic speech', or with the Silence, or the Angels, or anything they'd ever faced together… "And he'd just swagger off back to his TARDIS and open the doors with a snap of his fingers. The Doctor... in the TARDIS... Next stop: everywhere."

The Doctor rudely interrupted her with a gruff, "Spoilers."

The word sounded wrong, like he'd said it without understanding what it meant, without understanding that with every spoiler, River felt guilty, that River felt miserable because it meant there was more she _knew _and he _didn't. _She put on a false bravado most of the time, being slightly arrogant at times, because she knew more than them, pretending that made her better, but it really didn't. It just made her miserable.

"No one can open a TARDIS with the snap of their fingers, doesn't work like that."

"It does for the Doctor."

"I _am _the Doctor."

"Yeah, some day," River said. It was a cheap shot, she knew, but she couldn't help herself, the words came out before she gave them permission and she instantly regretted them, seeing the irritation on the Doctor's face.

As their time in the Library grew on and River realised what the Doctor was going to try to do, hooking himself up to the computer, which would probably end in him dying, she did the only logical thing.

"Lux can manage without me," she said. "But you can't," and she stood up from Anita's remains and knocked him out.

When he came round again it was too late, she'd already handcuffed him to a pillar.

She ignored his protests, trying to make a joke out of it, but in reality she was scared. She didn't want to die, of course not, no one ever does, it was bad enough regenerating.

But it was her or the Doctor so there was really no choice at all. After all, she'd chosen him over the _Universe_ before.

"This is not a joke, stop this now, this is gonna kill you! I'd have a chance, you don't have any."

But he was wrong. _The Doctor was wrong_. He didn't have a chance either. Because she wasn't going to let him have it, she was going to save _him _for once; she wasn't going to let him destroy the best memories of her life.

She told him about Darillium because, screw timelines. She didn't care at this point. He'd cried, oh _god _he'd _cried_, he'd given her his _screwdriver _why didn't she realise, she should have _realised_, why hadn't she realised?

"There's nothing you can do," she told him.

"You can let me do this!"

"If _you_ die here, it'll mean I've never met you," and River was much too selfish for that.

"Time can be rewritten."

She remembered saying that _exact_ sentence to him, on a beach in Utah, dressed in an astronaut's suit, about to kill him. He'd just gritted his teeth and ground out, "Don't you _dare_."

"Not those time, not one line, don't you _dare,_" River said, echoing the Doctor. Or maybe he'd said that on the beach, remembering _this_. "It's okay," she reassured him. "It's okay, it's not over for you, you've got all that to come," and it wasn't, he still had all that to go, meeting her parents, the Pandorica, the Angels, Clara… everything was still in the future for him. "You and me," she smiled. "Time and space. You watch us run."

She didn't even notice the tear falling down her cheek.

"River, you know my name."

River winced. Ten seconds left. Ten seconds left with the Doctor.

But not _her Doctor._

"You whispered my name in my ear," the Doctor continued and that was not helping, she needed to concentrate, she needed focus and calm and dammit she needed _her Doctor. _"There's only one reason I'd tell anyone my name. There's only one time I could…"

"Hush now," River smiled at him, her vision foggy with the tears from her eyes. "Spoilers," she whispered before plugging the final cables together and being blinded by bright white light.

_Everybody knows that everybody dies… _but somehow, miraculously, the Doctor had found a way to save her, one last time.

River couldn't help but feel slightly bitter about being abandoned, _her _Doctor hadn't even said goodbye, merely left her _like a book on a shelf_, to be forgotten.

At least he made sure she wouldn't be lonely. CAL had supplied her with virtual copies of her crew.

No, her _friends. _

_"_He just can't do it can her? That man, that impossible man. He just can't give in."

But half of her wished he had. Because after all, some days nobody died at all, but as he'd said himself, all things had their time and everything _must _die.

Everything's got to end sometime; otherwise nothing would ever get started.

And it was hard to say goodbye, when he was clinging on to the memory of her so tightly.

~X~

**A/N - What did you think, did you think I got River's 'voice' right?... Please review, ya know, or not, it's really up to you it's not like I can force you to do anything (but I really would appreciate it).**

~X~


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